Honesty Hour

I’m going to admit something, I’m still not fully recovered from my knee surgery back in January and it has me down. Yes, I’ve done some amazing things this year and had some amazing times, but my focus has really disappeared. I wouldn’t say that I’m depressed, but not being able to function correctly with something as basic as moving around really changes how you feel about yourself. I still have a lot of stiffness and a lot of pain in my knee. I feel it every time I walk and experience pain from any prolonged amount of time in a bent knee position. It makes me feel weak and useless. I don’t feel like I have control over my body anymore and so I stopped making goals for fitness and health.

I did make an effort in physical therapy after surgery and graduated from that without much difficulty. No, I wasn’t the perfect student by any means (anyone that says they followed their therapists plan to the T is lying!), but I could walk again which was a huge improvement from limping. Last spring I went full force into a workout and healthy eating routine, not wanting to let my surgery get me down. I was instantly hit with the reality that my body wasn’t capable of all the things I used to do. I was tired from all the bed rest (and lazy) and I could no longer run or squat or do any other move that involved pressure in my knee. So I, being the perfectionist that I am, gave up and began to get lazy again. I did have a couple of bursts of inspiration over the summer, but the workouts always ended with pain and swelling and I quickly gave up.

I began to overindulge. I ate too much, drank too much, and spent too much money. The knee pain, coupled with the most stressful summer semester ever led to a lack of concern about my health. I always thought my knee pain would miraculously go away and I would be able to run again and workout and I would eat healthy and everything would be fine. But I’ve realized that none of that is going to happen unless I take control of my life and my health and not use my surgery as an excuse to do nothing.  I’ve gained weight, lost confidence in my physical strength and abilities and I feel lost. I’ve lost my passion for cooking, being outdoors, blogging and trying new things. From now on, I’m going to put effort into myself and recover fully from this unfortunate life event. I won’t let it get the better of me.

Best x.

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